I need to be okay about being alive ॐ Part 5 ॐ Understanding my Yoga
I was introduced to Kundalini Yoga by my Reiki teacher, Jennifer-Anne Cardone. Upon asking her what it was, she said: you've got to be ready to deal with all the shit.
Because Kundalini yoga is a medicine, and it's gonna cleanse you, and it's gonna heal you, heal you so deeply and completely -but you have to be willing to face yourself, and deal with all your shit. Call it shadow or inner saboteur -whatever you got inside you that's dragging you down, on all possible aspects of your self and your life -all of that, you're gonna have to deal with it. Face it, conquer it, and understand that the only way for the Kundalini technology to really work, to really be able to experience its benefits, is to let all that bad stuff go. You might think it's easy, and you might think of course I wanna get rid of all the bad things inside me.
But the thing is that people are very complex creatures, and actually, it turns out you're probably holding on to a thousand behaviours, perspectives and habits that keep you from even thinking there's a doorway leading to living your very best life at your highest potential just a footstep away. I was there before I started this. I was coming from 14 years of psychotherapy, 20 years of yoga, and around 7 years of various holistic healing therapies combined with personal spiritual work. I didn't think I needed more healing.
And I didn't expect to realize I needed that much more healing.
So yeah, if you get yourself on a regular Kundalini yoga practice, you have to be open to that cleansing.
See, what happens is that you're gonna change. And the more ready and willing that you are to change, the more impactful and transformative that change will be. So you have to be really open to being completely different.
Completely new, completely transformed. And you have to agree that there's no way to know at all what that change is gonna be. You've gotta be willing to trust the unknown.
At the beginning of each class, we chant the Mangala Charn mantra, after the Adi mantra. It goes like this:
Aad Guray Nameh Jugaad Guray Nameh Sat Guray Nameh Siri Guru Dayvay Nameh
It means this:
I bow to the Primal Wisdom I bow to the Wisdom of all the ages I bow to the True Wisdom I bow to the Great Invisible Wisdom
The Mangala Charn is mostly known as a protection mantra. My experience of it, for the first few weeks of chanting it, was that I'd start hearing it inside when the bpd voice would get strong. It protected me from the nihilism inside me that wanted to take over -that's how I saw it, anyway.
But as I reflected on its meaning more, I found that last line to be of deep literal resonance with me.
I bow to the Great Invisible Wisdom -the wisdom before me, the wisdom of the future, and the wisdom of the unknown.
Bowing to the wisdom of the unknown, that's a new one for me. I used to be quite obsessed with knowing the future, especially knowing when I'd die. Tell me when I'm gonna die, I'd say, just so I know, just so I can be prepared, you know, plan life accordingly. It's all control, really. When kid-me realized death was inevitable, this giant feeling of powerlessness overcame me, and would overwhelm me for the longest time.
See, the thing is that I wanna do everything. I want my life to be the way I want it to be, and I want to do everything I wanna do -and I wanna do a lot of stuff in my life.
This feeling of powerlessness is what I worked on the most with my therapist, for 14 years of my life. By the end of that process, I can't say it was gone, but I knew that feeling was there, and I had plenty of tools to overcome it.
It's scary to go through life without knowing how anything's gonna turn out, without being able to control the outcome of anything you say or do. It's scary going through life knowing it could end any second. Life is so awesome, and then life can also be so disgusting, so if it can end at any moment anyway, why aren't more/all humans spending every moment of every day dedicating themselves to the pure bliss and pleasure of the present moment, instead of dragging themselves through pain and pain and more pain? And well if life with humans on this planet right now is about so much of that pain, why bother staying alive anyway?
That's the way my brain worked, until now.
To bow to the wisdom of the unknown, I have to accept it, embrace it and honour it with reverence, not fear it and make myself believe it's possible for me to have any sort of control or knowledge of it. The only knowledge we'll ever have of the unknown is knowing it's there, ahead of us.
So I bow to the unknown, and I allow myself to change, for real this time.
Kundalini yoga is a medicine, the most wonderful medicine I have ever experienced in my life.
The right medicine for me.
if you'd have told me when I was 18 years old that Kundalini yoga was, by far, the best way for me to be able to tame, conquer and master myself from darkest shadow to brightest light, my life would have been completely different. Completely. We'd have saved a lotta time.
But hey, I'm 35, and my life's been what it's been, and I'm here now, so there you go.
From now on, the posts you'll be reading from this blog will be reflections directly transcribed from my journal. The activation is very strong and happening quite fast. I'd have to blog several times a day, every day, to be able to keep you up-to-date in real time. This has me requiring to spend a lot of time out of time, in meditation and svadhyaya (self-study, one of the 5 niyamas), so as to allow for proper integration. I've been changing, transforming, and healing so much ever since I started this training, that I can't just take this lightly.
This is the big one. The change I've been preparing for and waiting for my whole life.
And I'm not saying this from a place of expectations or excitement, please don't get me wrong. I had no expectations of any impact of this training at all, when I started it. I was just curious about Kundalini yoga, and felt called to be able to teach it. I've never done Kundalini yoga before my training with Kimiko Tao Fujimoto started. Once I had signed up for it, back in the winter, I had access to a series of recorded classes she had given back in the fall, as preparation for my training. As I went through the series, I was experiencing release after release every time, heavily bursting out crying during each class. I'm well-accustomed to releases as such, so in themselves, they weren't too disruptive. I took note of what released itself each time and the circumstances involved, meaning the kriyas, meditations or mantras during which they happened, but wouldn't go deeper into it more. These releases in spiritual contexts happen, they're part of that work.
But the more I experience the Kundalini technology, and discover what it is, as my 10-month residency unfolds, the more I see myself changing completely, from the inside out and outside in, and it becomes clearer and clearer every day that this practice, this medicine, these daily rituals, are what I needed to be okay about being alive. So I gotta give myself space and time dedicating myself to my own transformation and healing, it's the only way this can work right for me. That's why it took me a while to write this new post. I'm coming back on a more regular sharing schedule, though, and I'm happy to.
Because most of you know me as a musician, and not a practitioner of yoga, I felt it necessary for the first few posts of this blog to provide setting and circumstances, a foundation for you to steady and ease yourself into my Kundalini yoga journey. We are now here together, and the best way for me to share my experiences in real-time with you, or as much as can be, is to straight-up give you the exact words that come out of my insights.
I am devoted to the expansion and evolution of the collective consciousness through wisdom, the wisdom that is real and the wisdom that is true, and so this is what I record of my experience through my Kundalini residency -and so, this is what you'll see, here with me.
Thanks for being here ♡