• Alex Robshaw

I need to be ok about being alive ॐ Part 1 ॐ Understanding my Yoga

Dernière mise à jour : 20 mars 2021

I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder when I was 15 years old. Whether or not that's even real, I don't know. I mean, I got the diagnosis, that was real, but do I even actually have that, I don't know. When I ended my 14-year therapy process in January 2019, my therapist told me that people can have it at different degrees. Some people can't ever keep jobs or anyone in their lives, you know, she said. You have traits, you had that, but perhaps not as strong as others can have it.

I had told her I didn't think bpd was real. On the last appointment I had with my therapist that would close my 14-year process, I told her I thought bpd was a lie, that it wasn't an illness as all, that it's really comforting when you're fucked up at 15 years old to be provided with a name and clinical analysis explaining why you are the way you are, especially if you've been significantly, violently bullied and rejected all your life so far, and nothing makes sense. Like Oh, ok, I'm mentally ill, now I understand, now it all makes sense.

Really? I wasn't born fucked up, but being alive fucked me up. I was born with hyper consciousness, awareness, sensitivity, and the deepest, strongest will to Create, Evolve, and Be Free. Turns out the society we live in isn't conducive to any of that at all, and will go out of its way to be make life the most horrible experience you can possibly have, if you happen to be like that.

Society's fucked up, but I'm the one who's mentally ill, because I can see through the bullshit, the veils and the lenses people hide from their own selves under, living their lives pretending everything's fine, because taking concrete actions to make themselves better people, and the world a better place, is just so damn hard.

No, let's just stay here, and not do anything, and live lives that are about making money to buy things, and not care too much about anything outside of ourselves. And actually, let's not even care about ourselves that much -'cause that gets pretty complicated too, when you think about it.

That's what life is. That's what society is. And yes, in 2021, I can definitely see how lots of things are starting to change, the vibration of the first striking of a string, but society is still more similar than different from what it was when I was diagnosed as mentally ill because I wanted the world to change.

Borderline personality disorder has us contemplate the meaning and principle of boundaries (limits, lines, borders) within society and ourselves.

I only ever wanted to be free. Really, that's all I want. Freedom.

The freedom to just Be Alive -to Breathe and revel in being in perfect synch, rhythm, symbiosis with All that Is.

The key to be free is to push through all limitations that hinder us from living our lives as our highest possible form of Evolution as individuals and as a collective -and if being conscious of that and wanting to bring myself and my fellow humans to that is deemed as mental illness, then I guess I am mentally ill.

Everything society is and has ever been about is the polar opposite of freedom -and the only way to acquire/regain your freedom in this world is by making enough money to afford what it is that makes you feel like freedom is accessible to you -a lie, in essence.

Makes no sense, right? Makes no sense to me. I knew at a very young age that I wanted nothing to do with that at all, and that so as long as I stuck to my integrity, and kept my focus on creating a life for myself that was about True Freedom, not a corporate capitalist lie, I'd eventually be okay about being alive.

Because it really sucks to be alive. It really sucks to be alive and want to be free to just be and love and eat and feel and play, in a world where everyone and everything is out there to bind us, destroy us, disappoint us, or make us feel horrible about ourselves.

What's the point? What's the point of even bothering to stay alive when life is so hard, and people are so gross, and society is so unwilling to evolve? I was perfectly fine as an unborn soul starlight. I was free.

And then two people decided to have a child, and I got bound into the vortex of human existence, and then one of these people decided he didn't want to have a child after all, and abandoned me and my mom 4 years in. How could I ever be okay about being alive when my own father didn't even truly want me to exist at all?

That's how it started. The trauma, the mental illness, whatever. My father abandoned me and my mom the day after I turned 4 years old, and that's a wound that can never be healed. And of course, with life being what it is, things only would get worse from there.

It really sucks to be alive. I'd never truly, fully be able to enjoy life.

Actually, I did, sometimes, when I played music. My piano and my voice would never bring me down. They would always lift me up and make me feel good, wanted, welcomed, accepted, loved. I made the choice to become a musician and singer-songwriter when I was 14 years old. It was the only career choice that made sense to me -still does. It's the only place I can be in where everything makes sense and where I find myself in natural alignment within, and with the universe.

And then there was yoga.

Follow here for part 2, and thank you for being here. By reading this and taking this in, you are contributing to the healing of the deep wounds of abandonment and rejection that I carry in my body, making me feel seen, acknowledged, welcomed and loved 🙏

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