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  • Alex Robshaw

From my Kundalini Residency journal ॐ I need to be okay about being alive ॐ Part 9

The following words are a direct transcription of my personal journal.


April 8th, 2021

I find it hard to accept that people don't want to evolve. It makes me very sad that people don't want to evolve. I don't understand. I mean, I understand that they don't wanna make that choice and that makes me sad. Why are you choosing ignorance? Why are you choosing fear.


It is true that I am this close to destroying everything. I could if I would.

*Experts of the Self*


I really could destroy everything. I have that power. We all do.


April 9th, 2021

It just happened. I was able to image a positive future for myself. I just imagined a scene of me closing the door of my studio with Cécile talking to me. Just a random image of a future where I do have my space, and it's real and the image is of something positive -not of someone who wants to destroy me.


So that's good. That shifted lots of stuff in my throat. Makes left to right reconnect. Triple warmer meridian/pericardium. Very obvious. Yes, ok, I understand. Works with the thyroid. Yes, ok, obviously. Protect the heart. Yes, obviously.

So I'm definitely on to doing things that help with that. Arms stuff.


April 11th, 2021

Joy! I just wanna be joy! My whole life! All I ever wanted was just to be joy!! Life is so wonderful! Party! Celebrate! Be joy! Joy is freedom, joy is freedom!


People keep themselves from experiencing joy because they are afraid of getting hurt -because encoded in our bodies are centuries of violence and pain. Humans keep repeating patterns of pain amongst themselves.

*

Don't fear the unknown. Bow to it. I bow to the wisdom of the unknown, of the future.

I accept that I don't know the future. I accept that I'll never know what will happen. I accept that I don't know.

This feels like a major relief, right? I give up. I surrender. I don't care anymore. I really don't care about the future -no- I don't fear the future anymore.


April 12th, 2021

Was listening to Du Hast just now, and Om Namah Shivaya started playing in my head. Weird, interesting. Felt very aligned.


April 13th, 2021

I feel nothing.

I feel everything.


April 18th, 2021

I allow myself to do anything I want. That violence came out of fear, fear and trauma of their own lives, the bullies. No one's gonna laugh at me for anything I do. I am letting myself do whatever I want. I am doing whatever I want. I do whatever I want. Yes. Now.


I no longer judge myself. I no longer keep myself from doing anything because of fear.


April 19th, 2021

I just finished chanting Om Gam Ganapataye Namaha and my throat feels completely clear and my body feels balanced. I was smiling while doing it. I was seeing a baby elephant. Baby Ganesh.


And I feel I'm very close to getting just the apartment I need, simply by being myself. Wow. I feel this all along my jaw to my right temple, the triple burner, on my right side. As I witness the manifestation of the true glory from just being myself, I notice how much my body heals.


The interesting thing is that I see baby Ganesh, not big Ganesh. But -do not intellectualize the experience.

I am truly honored and humbled by this experience, really. Wow.


This isn't at all about getting anything I want. This is about getting the very best of what I could possibly deserve in honoring and respecting and giving myself worth and being exactly in alignment with who/that which/she/who I really am.

*

Om Gan Ganapataye Namaha is allowing me to believe anything/everything positive is possible now.

Sure, yes, I can absolutely afford my new apartment.

Yes, I can absolutely afford it!


April 21st, 2021

Shiva holds me, and the entire spectrum of the experience.

*

I don't ever wanna give up on my right to happiness. I have the right to be free.


April 22nd, 2021

I find myself unable to use qualificatives anymore. Everything just is.

I am. I feel.

The search for apartments is. Everything fucking just is.

*

I'm feeling myself detaching from this world/life, or something. Like me whole life haas had itself built up to this moment, where the only way to go is out of where everybody else is -and out of everything I thought anything was. I'm not thinking the same way, I'm not feeling the same I was before... I'm becoming someone I don't know. Someone I'm not deciding to be. Someone who is ME. Not I. ME. I guess, I think, I'm becoming my true self. My truth. It's not even mine. I'm becoming the truth that she needs to be.


Photo found online, by Sonika Agarwal

#kundalini #kundaliniyoga #kundaliniyogamontreal #ganesha



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