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  • Alex Robshaw

From my Kundalini Residency journal ॐ I need to be okay about being alive ॐ Part 8

The following words are a direct transcription of my personal journal.


April 2nd, 2021

Body has trauma of not feeling safe to truly surrender guard and be free to have fun, enjoy myself.

It's totally ok to be who I am, love, enjoy and have fun with whatever I love, whether it be a band, music, clothes, a videogame, ...

Wow, everything is replacing itself inside me, something major just lifted, I feel like I shed a giant layer of fear-shield made from my fears and pain, keeping fun and joy from coming in, because joy hurts. Joy hurt. That's the association in the brain that happened. I was joy and then someone destroyed me.

I am joy. I allow myself joy. I allow myself pleasure. I allow myself to be happy!

Wow. Root cakra opened up just now, literally felt something moving in my bum! Something resettling itself to the left. Triggers back of my brain on the left side. Actually, more the side near the ear. And now it's like the 2 sides remarried in perfect complicity, simplicity, united as one.

Then: it is hard to be free in this society. This brought a new feeling of layer.

Can I be free? Can Ma-Shakti free herself in these times? This day and age? Yes. The answer is yes.

I can be and do whatever I want. Yes?

Maybe it's about allowing myself to be as free as possible in the current restrictive context of humanity. So I guess it becomes a dialogue of ''it's easy to be free'' as much as I can. Maybe.

Maybe the more I free myself on the inside, my outside circumstances will change to reflect the freedom inside? Maybe! I'll work on that and see what happens.


April 3rd, 2021

Music as embodied ritual

*

If we are here only to accomplish our duty, without receiving the fruits of our labor, then what's the point? I'm just here to do what I gotta do, but if it makes us struggle, I mean, what's the point? Bla bla bla, struggles are bla bla bla, sure, but what's the point?

What is the meaning of life?

Does it even matter? Do I even wanna care about it? When it gives me pain from simply being, then no. Not at all.

*

Really do things from a place of truth. Really do things from a place of sincerity.

Before shame.

Before pain.

*

My classes this week were about trees, and then we spontaneously danced! I feel like I have an antenna.

*

I am sexually aroused by Siva.

*

Got as far as feeling it in my body, what it means to truly not have any expectations at all. Major openness. Major freedom. Yes but what's the point? Listening to this voice becomes a matter of choice. Or maybe not.


April 4th, 2021

Feeling a lot better after today.

We live in pleasure. Can I believe that? We live in pleasure.

Supta virasana in kundalini yoga is fish pose (remember that).


My life has always been so pleasurable. Can I believe that? Saying this too myself feels very good.

My life-heart -my heart has always been so pleasurable.

I am always enjoying myself. Everything is always pleasurable. I am always in pleasure.

It makes me so happy to be alive! Wow! Yay! :D

How about tasting amrit in my throat, not poison?


April 5th, 2021

Mental illness

I think

For me anyway

is a shield or a veil or a wall we put on. It's like we do the best we can to shield our self from all the pain.


I just realized that I had purposefully rewired my brain to believe none of this was real -or maybe, I did just heal, at last!

Like this giant envelope I put on myself to believe nothing was real.


To shield off from the pain of life, but also to shield off from the violence -publicity, advertisements, aggression and all the pain of the world. I made a world for myself, a parallel, imaginary world, where things were the way I wanted them and not the way they were happening to me. Where people were real friends, not hurting me. Where guys loved me, not were scared of me or told me I was ugly.

Mental illness is over now I think.


April 6th, 2021 (morning)

Elephants are the wisdom of the Earth. Elephants are so wise that they don't bother with any bullshit. I mean, all animals are like that, but elephants are these massive creatures that embody this in such a powerful way. There's no hiding from an elephant.


I live on the same planet as elephants do, and that is stellar. That is plenty for me. I want to see elephants before I die. Elephants embody wisdom like no other creature. The fact tat they are vegetarian makes them even more important too.


Let me try to live one day without that veil and see.


(night)


I am giving myself the opportunity to fully be me.

I am me. Not I, me. Do you see the difference?

Me. Me talk like this now.

Me. No more I. Just M E.

*

Freedom is not needing to do anything, to do whatever the fuck you want. You don't need to work for it. True, real freedom (freed-om) is just being, and that is enough.


April 7th, 2021

I no longer let my fears define me.


And it's like the way the mental illness had wired my brain is now de-wiring itself, and my brain wires are reconnecting themselves back to their original, pure state.


Yes, all the pain and violence are real, but shields and veils and nihilism don't make me be able to deal with them, ultimately. We can fool ourselves to believe the lies are real for a very long time, but doesn't the truth feel so much lighter? Easier? Even if it is the deepest pain. Almost like there is an attachment to the lie, whereas the truth just is.


I can't deal with all the madness and horror and pain and destruction and sickness of the world. Violence. I don't understand why people do any of that

I still can't.


What if I can.

What if the alchemical process of compassion for the most disgusting beings on Earth in my heart could allow for the alchemical dissolution of all the sickness and violence, making way for renewal for the benefit of all? Eradicating violence, horror and pain!


What if I was a vessel of purification for the world?


What if when people see me, their ego dissolves and they have no choice but to see, be, acknowledge and accept their truth. Not a lot of people can do that, But I can do that. I can be that. I am that. I am that truth. I am truth.


I am the great dissolver of pain. I am the joy of this world, incarnation of joy and peace and absolute truth.


Very happy. Very, very happy to be me.


I do not carry the pain of this world anymore. I do not carry the pain. I only carry the pleasure.

*

Remember that this is the night I laughed my ass off because I got hit by a car. Massages my leg, which made for resettling of the optimal flow of all things in my body (could mental conditions be a result of that? Brain wires shocked and unsettled by it?), and really triggered/healed leg->lower back right side bump->left side of my throat->brain. That was the chain reaction/actions of it.


Now I can resume life without fear of hurting my leg. Reclaim that space in my body perhaps? Try!

#kundalini #kundaliniyoga #kundaliniyogamontreal #kundaliniexploration #mentalhealthawareness #healingjourney #evolution


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