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  • Alex Robshaw

From my Kundalini Residency journal ॐ I need to be okay about being alive ॐ Part 6

The following words are directly transcribed from my personal Kundalini Residency journal.





March 5th, 6th and 7th, 2021 - Reflections from our first weekend


Intention: May I be fully open and receptive so as to assimilate and understand properly what kundalini yoga is.


I feel like I'm this new teacher in a circle of super experienced teachers and it makes me feel like a child. Like everyone around me is super savvy and not me and that my personal wisdom and experience and insights may not be valued. I fear I will be laughed at. This is all in my head.


*

I changed my life because it wasn't yoga.


Why do I practice yoga?

Because I want to be in alignment all the time. Otherwise, my body hurts.

Why do I want to be in alignment all the time?

Because then, everything makes sense. I want my life to make sense. I need to be at peace with being alive.


*

The less we come with, the more we receive.


During the chanting, I saw a white peacock feather.

Woah, I just saw my own thoracic skeleton.

It's comforting to hear my own voice again.


March 8th, 2021


After taking Clearlight's class, I got an epiphany:

music - muse - musing - musique Saraswati She is music and the muse, and she's been calling me over and forth all along. Saraswati. I've been seeing orange roses and white peacock feathers for the past 4 weeks now, and her mantra chants itself inside me on and on. She's been leading me to her all this time, and for so long.


I've also realized how much yin Clearlight brings to her classes, That's why I love them. She brought so much yin, and allowed me comfort and rest amidst my crazy life. That's always been my yoga for me. It's allowed me to rest. It's always been my own opportunity to just rest.


*

Hridayam Fire Keep being

& following the

Fire


*

I'm ok about dying. But can I be okay about being alive? I don't know yet. I don't think so, right now.


March 11th, 2021


Union, alignment, balance. We can reach the level of knowing what puts us out of balance. We can do that. It's very easy to find the fault. Well, not easy, but it's attainable. And then what comes after that? Letting that go and get into balance.


And that's hard. It's hard because we get comfortable in places we can stay in too long. We get comfortable and we say ok, so yeah, now I know, now I've figured out what it is that throws me off, so I'll just blame that. And then we stay in these positions of victimization and wanting to heal ourselves constantly -we need healing, we need healing -yeah ok, so go ahead now, you're healed. And then we're lie Oh, that's it? That's it? I'm healed? And then we're like no, not yet, not healed yet, and they* keep themselves in this state of dividedness, because union is the unknown. Union is too much. Union means holding yourself together. Putting yourself together. And people don't wanna do that. People wanna keep complaining and do as little as possible. They'll even make themselves believe they're happy, when they're really not, only to escape the pain it takes to evolve.


March 12th, 2021


Manipura.

The city of jewels.

Where our most precious organs lie. Take care of it & nurture it. The belly is the place where fire happens. Now I understand why I'm going back to Clearlight. 20 years in, always realizing and deepening, something new.

Gotta love it.


March 13th, 2021


Catalyst. It happened. I suddenly realized just how EASY everything was. Is. Truly is. Easy. The Lust card. Easy. A new place opened in my brain. How about feeling like everything is easy now? Easily accessible, easily done. Easily given. Everything, perfectly in piece. In one piece. All one peace. Piece. Peace.


*You've probably noticed here that pronouns changed in the course of my writing. This is normal, it's part of my evolution in writing. I realized at that point that I wasn't including myself anymore in what I was writing about, so I switched from we to they. This might happen again in the course of this blog ;)


#kundalini #kundaliniyoga #kundaliniyogamontréal #kundaliniyogamontreal #evolutioniskey

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