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  • Alex Robshaw

From my Kundalini Residency journal ॐ I need to be okay about being alive ॐ Part 21

The following words are directly transcribed from my personal journal


June 5th, 2021

Just came up with the idea for my 3rd album concept.

I am able to and will do this! I am giving myself back my full worth! I am worthy of big shows like this! I am divine! I deserve to host and play shows like this!

*

I don't care what J has to say anymore about what I do. Really.

I do what I do, that's it.


There's a lot of work happening in regards to my relationships with my parents. Very interesting.


6 juin 2021

So it's worth noting that I've been feeling much better after the kriya and chanting now. I got really sad today, and thought about suicide, but as I went through my sadhana, I realized how good I felt as I went along. I remember at some point thinking about the girls from the kundalini team quite a lot.

When I was resting at the end of the kriya, I felt the energy rise from my left foot all the way to my vagina, then moving up my torso, all the way to the head. It was very much the experience as it is: rising up all the way, clearing the throat, clearing the brain, making me remember that I can be happy too.

*

Whenever I think about E, I see Ganesha. Elephants.

*

Seeing someone as beautiful does not mean you wanna have sex with them.


7 juin 2021

Did my practice in the morning. Did Magi Mantra before Tantric Har Prosperity Meditation II, it was WINNER!


My brain was right in alignment with prosperity for the Tantric Har.


I am also getting better at Shodarshan Chakra Kriya.


I felt v good all day today.

The kriya and whole sadhana really uplifted me joyfully today, it was wonderful. I was really tired, but ok.

*

I am feeling myself as Creatrix right now. Not creating anything in particular, or rather, at the ready to create ANYTHING. I am the Divine Creative Force. I am the Divine Power of Creation. I am Shakti-Ma. I am Shakti! I am ovulating and I am feeling my creative power to be so strong! So strong!


I listened to Ang Sang Wahe Guru all day. I had it in my head since this morning during sadhana. It might all be related.


8 juin 2021

Wah Yantee has been strong over the past 2 days. Interesting. Also, I've been coming up with songs for the mantras. My own arrangements. Mysterious, minor, mesmerizing. Me.

I can record both at the same time.

*

Accepting the truth feels a lot better than shying away from the truth. Own all you did. No excuses. It doesn't matter anyway. It doesn't matter because people can change everyday.

I left all those guys. That's it.


June 9th, 2021

So today as I was doing the Tantric Har meditation for Prosperity II, I had this bad inner voice that started wanting to destroy, taking the shapes of people I used to work with, destroying and laughing at what I'm doing with my life right now. I guess too me they represent the bad society, or perhaps people with whom I had believed I needed coherency with, for no reason, really, when you think about it. Was I fake with them? No, but I wasn't me either.


Anyway. So they popped up, and then I was able to shut their voices down, but I couldn't keep their image out of my head. Now they are leaving. Now I've kinda allowed myself -no, not kinda.

I've allowed myself to change now, officially.


It actually doesn't matter if I lose people around me from becoming a yoga teacher. It really doesn't matter.

You meet people, you say goodbye to others. Comes and goes. Flows, like the waves. And for the record, it doesn't matter, because I'm the one living my own life, and my life is for me. That's right. MY LIFE IS FOR ME. It's not about being this idea of who people think I am, or even worse, of who I think I need to be to be accepted/feel accepted. Welcomed. Accepted.


So yeah, I don't need to do any of that ever again.

That had to be let go of. Completely. That old identity.

I won't be going there anymore, no, because I don't want to. I don't want that job anymore either.


Mu jobs, from now on, will only be what I want them to be. Musician, singer-songwriter and performer, rockstar, yoga teacher, reiki healer, ayurvedic practitioner, writer: those are my main sources of income now. My jobs. Also podcast host.


I am feeling massive openness in occipital ridge, inner arms, especially at elbows, and up the arm in throat, to the inside of the middle and first finger. Woah.


June 10th, 2021

Today I finished my 21 days of sadhana with the Magic Mantra. I felt great after doing it.


Then I got to the store and I felt disoriented, also the radio blasted and it made me feel terrible. I had to play my music in my headphones. I started to feel really bad, and then I decided to stay home and do my stuff, and eventually I felt much better again.


I think I really didn't like being in the store. I feel like I could feel everything in there, and something needed t be shifted in me in order to be there, a shield or something hitting my balance. I had just finished yoga as well. Idk.


I am definitely feeling the effects of the 11th body work. I've been coming so solidly into my own identity. My true Me.

Me is selfless, and me is also ownership. Me. All of that and more, he entire land, is Me.


Yeah. Take my space back.


#kundalini #kundaliniawakening #kundaliniyogamontreal #kundaliniyoga #magicmantra #magicmantrakundaliniyoga #kundalinirising #sirimantra #takeyourspaceback

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