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  • Alex Robshaw

From my Kundalini Residency journal ॐ I need to be okay about being alive ॐ Part 20

The following words are directly transcribed from my personal journal


June 1st, 2021

I am a human person, and honestly, that's enough. I am. I is. I is alive, I is here, I is now, I is me.


I don't need that thing in my head saying what society is already saying. What is society anyway? Do I care? I mean, society contains big enough of the problem to be relevant, but that doesn't mean anyone should listen.


Ek Ong Kar Sat Guru Prasad.


I just don't care about what anyone thinks about me anymore. I'm just gonna be myself. I'm just gonna be me, and not care about society at all. I'm taking a drop out of society. I'm happy in confinement, I'm happy not having to follow the lies, veils, illusions of others so I can fit in.


Ok, I just got why I'm so much warmer this year. Of course. Kundalini. I'm raising the inner fire. Of course. I really gotta make sure I can stay cool. Ok. I get it.

*

"You weren't ready to be fully yourself, but you are now", he said.

Exactly. The past doesn't matter. The past is the past. Wow. Why do I try and analyze the past so much? Stop!

*

I'm somebody different now because I'm not at all like I was bore. I'm as me as I ever was. I'm not different. Quite the opposite. I am free. I am me. I dare to be me. Dare is ego though. I dared to be me, and I realized I could.


June 2nd, 2021

See. I can be really good in the morning, and at night, mentally, I mean, and during the day it gets blurred. Idk why.


What I'm doing right now, there's no duality. I'm a musician, a singer-songwriter writing her album. I'm not questioning anything I'm doing. Every other single moment of my life, I'm questioning what I'm doing. And for a split second there, I think about my life and my choices, but that all disappears just like that. Whatever is the past doesn't matter at all. It's the life I'm living. Always been feeling like I should be living another life. Protective mechanism as a child, but now life is as it is, as it's been, and all I can do is surrender.


There's no more fight in here. Never again. Now. Not anymore. I am always in harmony. I am always at peace. I am always in yoga.


Shakti only wants to be in alignment, all the time. When she's not, she freaks out and loses her mind. Or actually, she gains it. She fully gathers all of who she is and what she is and directs it into destructive force. The creative force is also the destructive force.


Also me. At my best, I am Creation herself. At my worst, we know. Ok. So how to fix these extremes?

Stay in alignment no matter what. Understand that alignment is the original state of human beings.

Lose attachment to results, to ways things and life could be.


June 3rd, 2021

Today, Asami asked me to be her sadhana buddy! And help her do her practice and stay committed! Wow! And just now, I was teaching, and I felt circulation on my right side of my head unblocking like, the experience of this sensation -or rather: the sensation of this experience makes for a recognition and spotlight on the real ME.


It's the same opening I get when I think about my new apartment or Maxime.

*

Don't hide the things you are actually awkward about. I did this and that, I know it was wrong. I did it because I was sad/angry/lonely/fearful/sad. Depressed, sad, reckless. Because I didn't care anymore, because I cared so much.


Instead of hiding that darkness or pushing it away, what if I just left it there? Or just let it be. It'll do whatever.


Well. So far it feels like it merely wanted me to acknowledge that it was there. I'm feeling lots of tinglyness on my back. Wow. There's a lot opening and unlocking in my throat, neck and back of my head rn.


If one doesn't judge their shadow, then what does the shadow become? Let go of the word shadow, then it becomes just part of who I am.

If body doesn't keep them somewhere specific and just lets it be, feel/experience what happens. Just let discomfort be there if it must. Bow to it. It's human experience, after all.


June 4th, 2021

Yes, I do deserve a good life. What drives us to feel undeserving? Unworthy? Worthless?

No on is worthless. Everyone is worthy, somehow.


It's about time I gave myself the right of worth. Sure, I don't need the best apartment. I can do without. But I deserve the best living situation, I know I do. And then it occurs to me, I've just read that Ganesha is the Lord of the Muladhara cakra. Ganesha helped me to get that apartment. Ok, I see.

*

Gravity keeps the body from being tensed all the time. It weighs us down.

*

How much can I surrender to the present moment?


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