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  • Alex Robshaw

From my Kundalini Residency journal ॐ I need to be okay about being alive ॐ Part 15

The following words are directly transcribed from my personal journal


May 17th, 2021

Forgiveness. Can I forgive? Est-ce que je peux pardonner?

Because compassion isn't forgiveness. You can understand why people do what they do and accept that things are what they are, but you're not necessarily forgiving it either.

Maybe, for my own sake, I should just forgive. I definitely should forgive myself anyway.

*

The cakras are so real. The top of my head is sparkling all the time, almost.

*

A space for forgiveness. I forgive me, I forgive you, I forgive me and you. Alex, I AM FORGIVING YOU. I am makes it more active, more real.


May 18th, 2021

Am I respecting the fact that I'm a yoga teacher now? Am I fully allowing this to be a reality in my life ? I need this to be. Come on girl, let's do this.


I'm a yoga teacher. A teacher of yoga. I teach yoga. Don't hold on to the old personality anymore. Life is happening as it is. Let me be a yoga teacher.


Am I a musician? Yes I am. I'm in the middle. But I am a yoga teacher and I've gotta let that be. It's what I do, it's who I am. That is me. That is my truth. I am me.


I was thinking how some people aren't respecting me as a yoga teacher. And then I was lie -am I doing that to myself?


May 19th, 2021

I'm tired as fuck, but I'm doing great. I'm not going somewhere. Hmm. Not.


There used to be a fear in me of being misunderstood. I hated it when people misunderstand me. It's about the level of intelligence. It is intelligence? Awareness, and comprehension of the truth. I expect everyone to be there with me. But people are not. Or rather -I've met a lotta people who were not, and society as we've known it until now isn't/wasn't conducive to that.


I'm gonna be taken seriously from now on. I am taken seriously by people around me. Everyone who encounters me will now it. They will know the truth. The truth of their own existence, and the universal truth of humankind.

They will not laugh at me.


When I was a kid I was telling the other kids to stay kids and basically no one wanted to stay a kid and everyone was doing everything too fast. I was in my kid truth, but no one else was. And they were laughing at me.


I already wrote about being bullied. It's terrible, what it did to me.


But the message needs to be spread out, you know, to as many people as possible. Both yoga and music do that, I don't have to choose one or the other. Actually, that's not the way it works. People are so stuck in their finite versions of reality, they can't imagine infinity, or the infinite possibilities that life can hold.


They're stuck in their pain, and find comfort in the lies that are constantly bombarded at us, trying to keep people weak. This entire fucking society is designed to keep humans weak, so they won't revolt or evolve. When people evolve, you can't control them.


I'm breaking free from the shackles. I'm here, but I'm free. I'm here because it was meant for me to be here. But I'm free.


See. I really feel. No. There's a fear in me of people destroying me, bullying me for realizing my full potential.


Cut through it like a sword, cut through it. CUT THROUGH IT LIKE A SWORD.


The last time I pulled cards, I got the princess of swords. It was the first time I got her from that deck.

It didn't matter what the question was, nor what the thousands upon thousands of its interpretations must've been. The card shoed me a woman of this Earth yet above it, in her garment and stance, cutting through monsters with a sword.

Earth in Air. Venus medicine.


So Now I'm not scare of that Anymore.

*

Vishuddha is the surrender of the mind. Really, fully, wholly and completely. Surrendering the control of the mind. The chatter of the mind basically accepts to stop.


Because everything from the bottom til that can clear up, but when you're at the point of silence, stillness and surrender of the mind, it is all pretty useless. I mean, you might feel better but you're not fully in truth. You'll end up still believing, or fighting, the mind over the authentic truth of reality. Your authentic truth of existence.


No one can destroy my truth. No one can destroy me. Believing so is a lie.

I am invincible. No one can hurt me anymore.

*

I feel like my life is documented. In me, there's this constant scenario of me and an interviewer. I give him or her my thoughts on life. Why? I have a voice, I want to be heard. I've always had so much to say. But no, it was never another voice than me inside. It's really just that part talking louder than the rest who are all like this is fine. It's all fine, and I'm happy to be alive.


I really am. I was saying that today. And like a kid, or me, who wants to speak, finger raised, but isn't able to find a pause from the other conversations inside myself to be able to be heard.


She's there, she's just not the strongest anymore. For real.

Wow, this is beautiful.



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