From my Kundalini Residency journal ॐ I need to be okay about being alive ॐ Part 13
The following words are directly transcribed from my personal journal
May 3rd, 2021
What if I always allowed myself to truly be everything I am, all the time?
Siva - I am Everything - embracing everything I am, always, and be that in full! Nobody wants to see me tamed and subdued and shamed, really.
Everybody, starting with me, wants to see me rise, full and real, utmostly manifested
as the grandiose creature goddess that I am! Be free!!
People put shame on anything that isn't rational. Sex, yoga, music, magick, art. Anything that's about feeling, people put shame on it. Men -boys- boys are told not to cry. If you cry, you're a girl, and then you're a girl and you're like, I'm not weak, so it's all radical eradicative shame for feeling. For being human. In favor of money-making.
Removing the shame-of-feeling veil now.
May 4th, 2021
Had a Laksmi activation. Thank you. It helps. It brings softness.
When fear is at the foundation, you end up speaking it into being. It's the energy of fear that rises.
That part of you that's always fearless, you, me. Let's have that take over.
Struggling with Identity. Who am I? Huh. It's very important to start making music again, ok? My new place is gonna be great for that. It's ok to be all that I am. I think it comes down to who "I" is in no circumstance at all. Me. Who is me?
Trust. Don't think about who you are, just be. I'm here, I'm just here. Yes, ok, but who are you?
I am, here. I'm not struggling anymore. I just don't have to care that people care, know what I mean? Not caring makes it so that "I" doesn't wear a filter or a mask.
There's like an entire thing in my mouth that's just repaired itself, I feel it all along the left side of my tongue from the middle point, to the same spot on the lips, down to the tonsil area on the left side of the neck.
It must never be about personal gain, or something.
What do I want?
I want to be ok -I need to be okay about being alive. That's it, really. And it starts from the inside, not out.
The possibility to heal is real. It is happening. It is.
May 5th, 2021
It's a big lesson on the ego, innit? There's a dharma and the path to/of the dharma that is not at all anything that can be planned by the mind. I cried.
I think I need someone to tell me Yes, I am Shakti-Ma, and yes all of that is real. It takes a lot to just believe it for one's self.
What am I? Am I even anything?
It's really really bad when someone takes spirituality and befouls it into something bad and manipulates people. It's like the worst lie, because it keeps people from evolution.
May 6th, 2021
Today, Sarah said We are with you. I cried. Temple is real.
It's funny how people perceive truth, isn't it? The way people choose to believe what truth is.
May 7th, 2021
Je t'aime beaucoup, Alexandra. J'ai vraiment envie de découvrir la personne que tu es vraiment.
This is why I loved being with E. I could be myself, and he loves me for who/what I am, really.
May 8th, 2021
What if all parts of me are beautiful? What if all of me, all that I am, is beautiful,
There is the lesson of surrender. The mind wants to understand, the ego wants to control, have everything done her way. it's all at the same place. And then, the spot of release, it's also there. The spot where everything clears up. It's there on the other side. So which spot do I choose?
I want freedom. Is freedom fighting or surrender? It is both. But maybe the word isn't fight. Maybe the word is devotion.
Devoted to freedom.
Yeah, that sounds about right.
Every part of me is beautiful. Do we simply have shadow or are we born as intrinsic beauty?
Humans: the most radiantly loving creatures on the planet.
The reptilian brain. Animal brain.
Being okay about being alive might very well be surrender. Creating, doing Temple, that will make my music soar internationally. The whole world will love me and buy my music and come to my shows. I will get signed to a minor label big enough to make me tour worldwide and sustain and maintain me and my career.
It's about serving others first, then my own success comes. The path of service, devotion to freedom, and the student of sound.
Surrender to the path, because this is the path you need/we need/I need to choose. Otherwise, I'll keep coming back, I think.
La roue, the wheel of samskara, I think. The wheel of pain. Unless I surrender to the unknown, I will remain in the wheel of pain, of the known. The wheel of the known. The pain of the known. The known pain.
Me get me out of that for good now. It's not serving anyone any good to stay here.
I can choose to serve and be completed. Accomplished. Done.
May 9th, 2021
Well. My 3rd album produced in Belgium. Well. Ok, I'll see. But that's something else. Wow. And Kimiko said Belgium, the last time I saw her for mentorship. Wow. She must've taped into something.
Things are happening as they happen. There is no way for any of us to ever be able to foresee the course of events. Events happen. Manifestation happens but I am not the one dictating how and when. Why would I ever even wanna do that? Um, really? Stories? Why did I hold on to stories so much in my head? I mean, just focus on the goal, right? The pain has been caused amongst other things, by me being so hooked to the story in my head of how I dream or even just muse about how I feel things may happen. I hook on to these stories and then I'm just disappointed all the time because none of my life is happening the way I imagine it in my head. I used to do this to espace reality, in school, because I was so sad about mine -but then it kept going. Masks, veils, shields; I felt pain from being alive in this reality, so I created a shield in my head from reality.
As a kid, it's what kept me sane. One day, my life will be good, etc -I'd tell myself to be able to get myself through the pain. But then that world was so great, that world was so perfect, that it remained the best place to experience reality; from my dreams. Illusions aren't only exterior, the aren't just about the oppressor, they're also interior, they're also about the veil we put on ourselves.
It's about accepting all of life as it is. Shiva. I am Everything.
Just ignore them, my mom said. Non-violence, ok, but then the violence turns in. If all these times, I would have defended myself and held my ground, instead of pretending they weren't real, my relationship to reality might have been a lot better in the long run.