From my Kundalini Residency journal ॐ I need to be okay about being alive ॐ Part 11
The following words are directly transcribed from my personal journal
April 28th, 2021
It must be recorded that last night, at some point, I felt Ganesh completely stomping down my ego -and it was also like a knife was being pulled out. And I started saying I don't care what happens, I don't care what happens
It made me feel so free, so clear. Clear, true, positive. I was freedom. And now, as I write this, I feel negativity lifting, being less sticky to my body.
I completely detached myself from desires of anything working out -music, relationships, anything, whatever, and I was so perfectly aligned and free.
When you detach yourself from desire, you also detach yourself from any expectations, which release you from all pain, because you can never disappointed.
Disappointment. Breaking trust. Breaking joy.
Some things aren't anyone's fault, but when they are, that's hideous.
So yeah, I was free. Happy and positive -free to stay positive, free in my joy.
It was wonderful.
We are forever students of yoga. The more we learn about it, the more we learn about ourselves.
April 29th, 2021
I am realizing that my organism does not want to do more than one thing at a time.
If I'm in the metro, listening to music, I wanna do just that. If I'm making myself tea, I wanna do just that. I also don't wanna rush anymore. Re: tea making: I wanted to do one thing at a time. I don't wanna multitask at all anymore. Nope. Not at all.
I don't ever wanna rush ever again. Never. Rushing. Stress -that's a prime enemy. A disease-maker.
I also don't wanna do anything that I don't wanna do anymore. At all. Just now, I was like Oh, I should post a selfie. And then I was like, No, actually, I don't wanna do that at all. And then I took pics, but then I was like Nope, I really don't wanna do that at all. So I didn't. I don't need to do any of that.
And then, there's society, which I'm really, really dropping away from. Unclinging, really. Not falling for any of that anymore. The cultivation of societal ideas and structures, the manipulation 'this is what you should wear, this is what should interest you, etc', it's all fucking bullshit, and I AM NOT! NOT TAKING IT - NOT FALLING FOR IT - and I mean, I never went for it anyway, but now this is huge!
I'm actually feeling like there's a space, gap or bubble around me that really divides the outside world and mine. Like I've unstuck myself. I'm not at all there anymore. Out of the untruth, the mist and the lies. I'm right here. Right here, in TRUTH, reality and consciousness.
Today I was able to control her so well! There were times I felt she wasn't even there. I was able to stay in the present moment, I was at peace, I was perfectly aligned. It was very easy. It's the first time. Wow.
My body wants the left side to lead. The right side leads all the time! It's time for the left side to take over.
April 30th, 2021
I bought myself blue-purple-white-black pants, and wearing them cools me off like nothing else. I really feel it in my solar plexus.
May 1st, 2021
I feel my/the true Dharma rising. The more my right side clears up and the way for the right side of the brain is cleared out for proper functioning, I feel a deep truth rising. Like there is no hindrance at all, no dichotomy, no obstacle if I just follow this path without question.
The obstacles, indeed, are narrowing down to simply being what comes out of that nasty spot on my neck. The one that Ganesh, Shiv and all the gods and my healers and me are working so hard at eradicating.
This path that my pure, unobstructed direct way is leading me to is the path where all my success is achieved. On this path, my service is done by me. How do I write this.
I used to believe, or want to get in a relationship, live together so that expenses can be shared, so I'd have more time and energy to achieve my goals. I associated my success with this, because I could not see any other way. As I kept myself in a mind frame of scarcity, I used to think that the only way to support myself was working all those jobs I hated until I'd get in a relationship where we'd move in together. Then, my problem would be solved.
Now, now I see this isn't the right way to think, nor is it the truth at all -and as I write these words, my throat clears out.
I'm signing a lease for a place that's a thousand a month -and I'll be making that money, ad so much more! All the money I need, I'll make/receive al the time.
This path of service involves everything I'm doing for the community, including Temple, and nothing coming from the ego perspective. Whenever I think about doing Temple, my body feels so much lighter, and it's like it's the easiest thing in the world to do.
There is something greatly liberating about doing things not for the sake of self-accomplishment -or what we think it is, rather. Something very liberating and easy about it. It's simple.
Let that unfold.
My eyes keep crossing. This somehow feels a lot better than focusing the eyes outwards.
Today was really special. In my yoga practice, I started at some point to speak to the thing-sad woman- inside. I spoke to her with all the love she needed, the openness to hear her out, and truly allowing her to be. You're sad, aren't you? You're really sad, I told her, and provided her with love, with the space and feeling she needed.
Eventually, she dissipated, as I was chanting the Adi Mantra (Long Chant), and I started feeling electricity-like energy on the usual spot at the left backside of my head, moving very clearly. Then, I noticed I wasn't thinking about anything -it was just the mantra in me. Then, the mantra started chanting IN THERE, in the channel-circuit! It was amazing! And it keeps going. Not the mantra but the movement, the opening, the change -that's still going on strong. Truly marvelous.
I'm noticing how much the left side of the body wants to guide and be first now. Take over. The left side wants to take over! Control! The cooling, soothing, refreshing woman wants to ease me and my life, our life we live.
The channel, or space, since then, only says very factual tings of reality and truth, like, I am a woman. I am a woman who writes in her journal right now. Earlier, she said I am a woman who is making her lunch. It's a voice stating the truth of the present moment. There's like an echo of the negativity but it's not there anymore. Something opened up, unglued, opened, wide open! And now, my entire self is released, and relieved.
The Beltane portal is doing its magic, and this magic is real! Or I am. Maybe, really, I am!
I signed my lease today, wow! This is the realest of magic I've truly ever experienced, wow!