• Alex Robshaw

From my Kundalini Residency journal ॐ I need to be okay about being alive ॐ Part 10

The following words are a direct transcription from my personal journal.

April 23rd, 2021

Suddenly, I feel a shift. I told myself "Everything I do -my writing, my music, me blogging, my yoga rituals, my reiki & ayurveda practices: all of that, everything I do, gives me/brings me MONEY! All the money I need, all the time, forever. Enough to live the lifestyle I wanna live. Enough money to do and be anything I want.

And then it shifted. Suddenly, this didn't feel separate anymore. It is my reality now. It is real and true!

April 24th, 2021

The level at which the vibrations of words have shifted in me is stellar and amazing. A-MA-ZING. Whereas before, my body just couldn't believe any of that to be true, because -I don't know, I actually don't know why- but now, the positive words and thoughts run freely through my right side, straight up to my crown, and I trust them, my body -beyond trusting- just knows it's the truth. My body is 100% sure that all this positivity is real, that all I say is manifested, all I desire and need -I can do anything I set myself up to do.

And then the left side, the left side of my throat, behind my head, where the monsters are, I can hear them, they're still there, but I can control them much better because the right side is perfectly open now. There's no more obstruction to the balance. Joy is just as easily attainable.

Let me repeat that.

Joy is just as easily attainable.

I just have to decide to be joy. Choose to do that which gives me joy. Choose to be she who brings me joy.

The negativity is a veil upon the joy. Or a perspective. Maybe it's just that, a perspective. But no, it's beyond that. It's the experience of life as true, real joy.

Somewhere down the line, in the past, I developed a shield, a defense mechanism against the reality of the pain of the world -a shield of nihilism so I wouldn't feel completely destroyed every moment of everyday -and what that creates is a deficiency.

When you're shielding pain with more pain, you're basically widening the gap. And it's ok to do that, and it's sad to do that. We do what we can to cope, and if this is the best you can do, then so it is. But there's another way, and that is believing that joy is attainable indeed, that joy ISN'T denial.

Joy is real! Joy is real!


The only real way to achieve the power of manifestation is to act without the ego as motor. I'm doing yoga, and I'm doing kundalini yoga, because I need to be okay about being alive.

May I heal & receive what I need, all I need, so I may serve properly.


Don't do magick, act or try to manifest anything from a place of fear. That's when the monsters take over. Fear and greed and jealousy and anger and suffering, all suffering, is because of actions from places of pain.

When I act from a place of pleasure or joy, that's when I truly receive. When I allow myself to be myself and be joy, I receive the blessing of truth (authenticity, real), and I receive joy.

The more I identify with pain, the more pain I receive. The more I identify with joy, the more I receive joy.

I feel like I'm still a little skeptical about it, but that's just the negative mind doing its thing. Protection. Protecting me. But I gotta shed it out. I gotta shed out that skin.

April 25th, 2021

Om Namaha Shivaya is the mantra that comes to me when I feel the most broken, and the most hopeless and the most alone. When I feel like this, Shiva comes and helps. He shines and stands and rises through me. I love him. I love Shiva so much, I love him dearly and I love him true. I love him so much.


It's only that thing that gets me out of alignment.

April 26th, 2021

Woke up at 3:30am, needed to chant mantras. Did Ganesh mantra, then Shiva, then the Long Chant. Then I went back to sleep.

April 26th, 2021

Responsibility. I really don't enjoy/like responsibility. It's heavy.

Access primal energy freedom -> and my throat has just reset herself wow

Let humans be as they were before we started using our minds to direct our lives. When we were primal, we were free. When we are primal, we are free.

April 27th, 2021

I flee responsibility like the plague! Or so I had, mostly. When it comes to my music and projects, I'm super responsible. When it comes to any adult thing like finances (in the past) or insurance or any of that, really, I want 0 involvement. Or so I did.

Shakti wants nothing to do with that! But Shiva helps. Shakti wakes him up, but Shiva calms her down.

Maybe I can accept the responsibilities, because they are part of my human experience.

#kundalini #kundaliniawakening #kundaliniyoga #kundaliniyogamontreal #shiva #shakti #shaktirising

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